


How To Tell Them

by Samsamiam



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Chronic Pain, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Serum injected tony, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:21:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23533723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samsamiam/pseuds/Samsamiam
Summary: Tony just wanted to be useful to his dad and if that meant he was given some shots that really hurt that was okay right? Stark men are made of iron. He would prove that he was worth being around his dad even if it hurts a lot....aka Howard injected child tony with the experimental serum and he was too young for it to work so he's in pain the whole time.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 15
Kudos: 444





	How To Tell Them

**Author's Note:**

> mild tw for vomit mention (it's in one passing line) and talk of chronic pain.  
> I'm going to be honest I leave their relationship real vague I personally see it as prestuckony but established stucky but bucky also calls Tony about every pet name in the books so it's just kind of ambiguous

It was Bucky who found out first. Tony is rambling one day, a bad day for Bucky, and it just slipped out.  
"Wait," Bucky cuts him off.  
"What?" Tony doesn't know what he said wrong but Bucky doesn't sound happy  
"Repeat what you just said," Bucky says  
Suddenly Tony remembers what they were talking about, what he just accidentally said, and he doesn't know what to say they were never supposed to know. "I… I…" he decided to go with only a half lie "I don't remember I just ramble sometimes you know? You shouldn't listen to everything I say"  
"Tony you said…" Bucky starts  
And Tony realizes denial is not going to work "okay yeah but listen it’s not… I didn't mean it… I…"  
"So, your dad didn't inject you with an experimental serum?" Bucky crosses his arms.  
"Okay well yeah technically…"  
"Tony, he died when you were still a teenager, how old were you when he did it?"  
That's when Tony's avoidance brain decides to kick in and before he’s even really processed the plan, he’s on his feet and running. He’s out of Bucky’s room and through the communal floor to the elevator before he’s even thought about what he’s doing and at that point he’s gone this far so he just tells Friday to take him to the workshop and he'll figure everything else out from there.  
***  
Bucky doesn’t want to outright tell Steve what he knows that would be an invasion of privacy and Bucky is big on letting people have whatever secrets they want but he needs to know if Steve knew "Did Tony ever tell you what Howard was like as a dad?" Bucky asks one night in what he hopes is a casual way.  
"Not really," Steve pauses, like he wants to say something else but he never does.  
"Did you ever ask?" Maybe Steve does know.  
"I… yes a couple times but…" Steve seems nervous and Bucky can’t figure out why.  
"But?"  
"He always seemed uncomfortable or upset. I figured it was because he… because they… I mean… they weren't..."  
It hits Bucky. Steve doesn’t know. Steve is just trying to find a nice way to say because you murdered them and he didn’t have them anymore. He means to say something reassuring but all that comes out is "oh"  
"It’s not your fault Bucky," Steve says softly.  
Bucky knows disagreeing will just lead to a fight so he doesn’t say anything just leans up to kiss Steve and decides this is a question he'll have to answer himself.  
***  
Its days before Tony sees Bucky again. He figures by now Steve knows and he’s surprised he didn’t come crashing into the shop demanding answers. So, when Tony decided he has to face his fears, finally confront his demons and go upstairs, he’s almost concerned when Steve acts like nothing happened. His eyes flick to Bucky who is looking at him differently, warily, but other than that there is no change.  
Steve and Bucky are inseparable so it takes a little bit for Tony to be with Bucky alone but when he does, he finally gets up the courage to ask.  
"Did you…" he doesn’t know how to word it without sounding like he cares. He does care Steve can never know. Tony will not be the person who takes away what Howard was to Steve but he can’t show that he cares.  
"Tony, I’m a big fan of letting people keep their secrets. I'm not going to tell him anything you don't want him to know." Bucky says "but if you ever want to talk about it…"  
"I don't" he cuts Bucky off "thanks though" and goes back to the lab.  
***  
That seems to be the end of it. Bucky isn’t going to push Tony and Tony clearly doesn’t want to talk about it so it goes untalked about. That is until one day FRIDAY's voice chimes up while he’s alone  
"Sergeant Barnes?"  
"Yeah?"  
She starts to say something but is cut off.  
"Is it Tony?" He asks. He doesn’t know why he knows but he knows before she even replies.  
"Yes" she pauses "hurry" so Bucky runs  
He finds Tony collapsed on the floor of his workshop.  
"Oh Tony, honey," he says, collapsing next to him, "what happened?"  
"S'just a bad day. Told Friday not to bother you," Tony slurs. He doesn’t smell drunk but if anything, that's more concerning to Bucky.  
"What happened?" Bucky asks.  
"After effect of what dad did," Tony said, "too young. Reverse effect or something. I don’t know, my head hurts too much to think. Falling apart"  
"Falling apart?"  
"Me. I'm falling apart," he laughs  
"Tony," Bucky says softly.  
"M sorry,” Tony mumbles.  
"What hurts?"  
"Everything. My head"  
"Friday dim the lights" Tony hummed when the lights got dark. "Do you have any meds you take?"  
Tony nodded. "My room"  
"Okay" Bucky hefted Tony up in his arms. He groaned. "Doll?" Bucky asked "Did I hurt you?"  
Tony shook his head and buried it in Bucky's neck.  
"Everything hurts always. 'S okay"  
Bucky would argue that that was very much not okay but now wasn’t the time. He gently carried him to his room and laid  
him on the bed. As he moved back Tony whined and clung to him.  
"Sweetheart I'm going to go get your meds and some water okay?" Bucky asks softly. Tony grumbles but let's him go. He does what he promised as quickly as possible.  
Tony was half asleep when Bucky came back.  
"Tony honey, take your meds and then you can go to sleep.”  
“Mkay,” Tony mumbles, half sitting up.  
Bucky helps him take them and then lay back down. “Alright doll do you need anything else?” he asks softly.  
“Can you…” he trails off, shaking his head.  
“What is it?”  
“Can you stay?” Tony asks, so quiet it's almost inaudible, “It’s just… you’re warm and that helps sometimes. With the muscle cramps at least.”  
“Of course, I’ll stay,” He says, slipping under the blankets and wrapping his body around Tony’s. “Go to sleep. I got you.”  
***  
Tony wakes up the next morning and Bucky is sitting up in bed watching something on mute on the TV.  
“Morning,” Bucky says.  
“Thank you,” Tony says, sitting up, “For last night. I’m sorry Friday called you.”  
“I’m glad she did,” He replies, “I worry about you.”  
“I know. I’m sorry,” Tony mumbles, “You can… I’ll talk about it if you want?”  
“Tony, I want you to tell me what you’re comfortable with and if that’s nothing that’s okay.”  
“I think I want to,” Tony says, “Tell you. If you’re okay with that?”  
“Of course,” Bucky says, “like I said I want you to tell me what you’re comfortable with.”  
“I was young when he did it. He was trying to replicate Steve’s serum and I wanted his approval so badly. So, when he told me to hold still I did. When he told me to shut up it didn’t hurt that bad I did. I just wanted him to love me,” Tony’s voice cracked. “But it was never enough. I was never enough. All I ever got was this constant ache in my bones. I think it worked to some extent. I heal faster, I think I’m a little stronger than I should be, hell maybe that’s why I’m smart but everything hurts so much. I was so young and he was injecting me with what you would inject a full-grown male with. I just…” tony cuts off with a sob.  
Bucky had pulled him back to his side while he spoke and he tightened his hold now. “Tony none of that was your fault. How old were you?”  
“Four for the first injections. I think I was around six the last time he did it. Realized it wasn’t working, I guess. I just didn’t have what it takes.” he laughed harshly. “once he  
stopped injecting me the vomiting stopped but the headaches never fully went away and I just hurt all the time. Some days are better than others.”  
“Tony,” Bucky says.  
“It is what it is now,” Tony says, “I can’t change the past.”  
“I will do everything I can to make this right.”  
“Really thank you for the effort but it’s not worth it.” Tony mumbles.  
“You are always worth it,” Bucky says.  
***  
Steve's suspicion starts on a mission, one Bucky didn’t come on. They get on the jet at the end of the mission and Tony’s pretty sure the suit is the only thing holding him together. He’s in so much pain he’s not sure he’s making it home before he falls apart. He collapses into one of the chairs and he knows Steve is trying to talk to him but he just wants to sleep.  
“Jesus Tony can you at least take off the suit.” Steve snaps and something in Tony just gives up.  
“Fine,” he barks back, standing up, and disengaging the suit. His legs are shaking and he just drops the minute the suit goes.  
Steve lunges forward and catches him, helping him sit. “Were you hurt? Why didn’t you say something?”  
“Steve,” Tony says, barking a laugh, “I always hurt.”  
“What?” Steve asks, confusion clear on his face.  
“God, I miss robocop. I don’t have to explain to him. He already knows.” He leans back in his chair.  
“Already knows what?” Steve asks.  
Tony sighs. “Don’t worry about it.”  
“Tony,” Steve says in his ‘listen to me’ voice.  
"Steve" he says back in a mock version of the tone Steve used.  
"What aren’t you telling me?"  
"I don’t know if you're one to lecture on keeping secrets" and that's low Tony knows it's low but he just wants to rest until he can get back to the compound.  
Steve recoils "Tony I…"  
Tony sighs "I'm sorry that was unfair. I shouldn’t have said that. Please just drop it."  
"Tony if you're in pain maybe something's wrong. How long has this been going on?" Tony decides staying quiet is his best option but Steve just continues. "Have you gone to a doctor? Is it because of the arc reactor? I know you made the new element but it wasn’t really tested what if…"  
Finally, Tony snaps. "Jesus Steve, it's not the arc reactor. I know what it is. Doctors have done all they can. It's about pain management more than anything. Now please my head hurts just stop talking. Please" the last plea is nearly inaudible and maybe that's what makes him drop it because Steve sits down next to him and goes quiet after  
that.  
***  
Bucky is surprised when they come back from the mission and Tony is being carried by Steve. Okay well surprise might not be the first emotion he feels. That might be blinding panic but Steve isn’t running or panicked so that calms him down a little.  
"What happened?" He asks quietly as he approaches Steve.  
"I don’t really know. He took off the suit and just collapsed. He was still conscious says he wasn’t hurt but he’s always in pain" Steve hesitates "said he wished you were there  
because you already knew"  
Bucky still can’t tell if Steve knows, if Tony really told him, so he decides playing it dumb is the safest bet right now. "Knew what?"  
"He wouldn’t tell me," Steve mumbles, "he fell asleep about half way here. I didn’t want to wake him."  
Bucky nods "we should take him to bed"  
After they put Tony in bed Steve turns to Bucky.  
"Listen. I don't know what you know and I'm not going to force you to tell me or even ask because he deserves privacy but I just need to know this.” Steve inhales and crosses his arms. “He isn’t dying right? He just said that he’s talked to the doctors and it’s more about pain management and I'm just worried.”  
“I don’t think he is. He’s been like this for a while. I think he’s in more pain in his everyday life than he’s letting on but I think he’s not dying.”  
Steve slumps into the chair, “Do you know…”  
Bucky cut him off. “Steve I’m not telling you anything else. If I believed he was in danger I would tell you but I won’t invade his privacy like that.”  
“Okay,” Steve mumbles, “Right I’m sorry.”  
“Steve,” Bucky says, putting his arm around his shoulder, “It’s going to be okay.”  
***  
Tony wakes up in his own bed and he doesn’t remember coming here or even leaving the jet. Steve must have felt bad and not made him do paperwork and just let him go to bed. How he got up here was another question but one he didn’t really care enough to find out. He slides out of bed and realizes that the pain today is going to be only marginally better than yesterday which he should have guessed but I suppose one can hope.  
He slinks into the kitchen for coffee and only Steve is out there.  
“Good morning Tony,” Steve says, “How are you feeling?” he shoves coffee towards him.  
Tony hums as he picks it up and sips it. “I’m feeling better thank you.”  
“You know you can tell me anything right?” Steve asks and god Tony really doesn’t want to do this right now.  
“Trust me you don’t want to know this,” Tony snaps.  
“Tony,” Steve says and crap now he’s got that stupid hurt look on his face. “I want to know everything you want to tell me.”  
Tony slumps onto the stool and buries his face in his hands. “God this is so hard. You just don’t get it.”  
Steve circles around the counter and puts his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “Help me understand.”  
“I cant!” Tony yells, jumping to his feet and shaking Steve’s hand off. “I can’t because I can’t ruin how you remember him. I can’t be that person.”  
“Tony what are you talking about?” Steve says, stepping back towards him. “Who are you talking about?”  
Tony can’t do it anymore. He needs to just put it out there and deal with the aftermath. “My dad.” he says quietly  
“What?” Steve asks, stepping back.  
“My dad,” He repeats louder, “I’m talking about my dad.” Tony pauses. “What my dad did to me”  
“Tony,” Steve says, "what are you talking about?"  
It's too late he’s thrown it out there. He mine as well finish it "he needed someone to test the serum on" and suddenly that's it. That's all he can say and he hopes Steve gets it because it's too much he should have just kept his mouth shut.  
"He… on you?" Steve asks and Tony nods. "How… you had to have been… how old were you?"  
"Four"  
"For the serum?" Steve looks confused and Tony realizes he doesn't get it.  
"No four"  
"Oh my god. You were four? Tony" he steps towards him.  
"It's funny. It didn't even work. I guess it’s true what they say. Bad becomes worse good becomes great. I guess maybe I wasn’t bad at that point but I was never destined to be great"  
"You weren't anything Tony! You were a fucking child!" Steve snarls  
"Language" Tony says with a humorless laugh.  
“Tony,” Steve says, stepping towards him again, “Tony,” his voice breaks. “I’m so sorry.”  
“It’s not your fault.”  
“I’d kill him,” Steve growls, “If he was still alive Tony, he’d wish he wasn’t.”  
“Steve,” Tony says stepping forward and cupping his face. “It’s okay. I’ve been like this my whole life. I’m used to it.”  
Steve’s head tips forward and lands on his shoulder. “You shouldn’t have had too.”  
“I know,” Tony says, cupping the back of his neck, “I know.”  
***  
Nothings better but he doesn’t have to hide his pain anymore. Steve and Bucky get better at seeing his cues and making him take breaks. They all have bad days and the kind of bad days depend on them but they figure it out together.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if I'm portraying chronic pain badly? i get chronic head aches but other than that i don't know anything else so please let me know if it's inaccurate!  
> I feel like this isnt really good and you can tell I wrote it in a day but I'm proud of the over all idea and some of the scenes. As always Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!


End file.
